THE CHALLENGE OF CHANGE

its officially confirmed-i expect too much from relatnships. im too demanding, i need a lil more than ur average boyfriend. i have intimacy issues, at the same time i want too much intimacy. and privacy. i give a fuck.

change is the bastard child of all sour-relationships. change is what clutters minds, and reduces needy boyfriends to cesspools of discomfort. why, why cant women remain the same? sometimes going out wt the same woman for three years can be the most disillutioning experience of ur life. in three years, the love of ur life wouldve changed a minimum of four personalities. if my calculations are right, the equation is :
N(p) = T + 1
where N(p) is the number of personalities changed
T= number of years invested in the relatnshp

u may think im drunk agen which i am. but that should not question-mark my arithematic. its a totally dependable system ive devised, after consulting wt others in long-tertm relatnshps, and careful observation of established relatnshps(married couples of 10, 15 and 20 yr anniversaries) the equation may not hold true after ten years, with the tendency being to cut down on personalities, but a sort of evolution into one personality that is a mixture of all personalities prebviously assumed miuns the one u met and fell in love with. be that as it may, inevitably, the woman u hold now is radically different from the one u asked out to coffee.

the bhagwat gita sez change is the only permanent law of nature, or something to that effect. psychologists agree that the huiman mind is constantly evolving, that no person is the same as they are twenty seconds ago. i give a fuck.

so u cant stop nature. so u cant help changing. too bad u didnt introduce me to all ur multiple personalities and the the 2000 new ones u plan to play host to, that first fateful evening at the bar. u didnt tell me, listen, im lad u like me but i will change. u didnt warn me that two-three years later we may not see eye-to-eye on things we vehemently agreed on the first time. u didnt tell me the things we thought together, the music we loved together, the ideologies we shared, OUR COMMON GROUND, the reasons i fell in love with u, would give away like earth under quake. i took for granted that u would be the same, and u nevr warned me that would change. three years later, im demanding and needy and expect too much. what makes me sad is not the unfairness of it all. what makes me sad is that i lost u.

what makes me sad is that i have more in common wt ur old friends than u do now. that they have more mind-space for my 'opinionated' opinions. that they still laugh at my jokes that are not funny anymore. that i can publish my thoughts and insecurities on the world wide web knowing fully well that u dont have time for my blog anymore.

i wonder if u realize im not judging u. that im not saying uve become a monster. maybe uve chnaged for the better. maybe ur cooler now, stronger, more mature. but i didnt care then, why would i care now. i loved u for better or for worse. i loved u for what u were.

ive alwyz thought parents who blame themselves (or take pride in) what their kids have become are stupid. ive alwyz thought kids are unique entities of their own, taht nurturing and parenting have nothing to do wit what they grow (up) into. what makes me sad however is that i feel responsible for losing u. im overwhelmed by a sense of failure at evry turn in the road u make. evry new gesture, designer-label and acqaintance reminds me of my inability to hold on to the real you. or what i percieved as the real you. i wonder if i repulsed u into changing. my loss will alwys be ur gain. ur gain however may not be our gain. that makes me sad.

maybe its too much to hope that u wont change. maybe im pushing u into corners, demanding constancy and permanency. but what u dont realize is im not. i dont like changes. period. but i can understand changes. i can nevr justify them for u, i can nevr compliment u on them, but i can understand. what i do demand is glimpses of you. the old you. not all the time, not evry two hours, but once in a while. id like to see the same old spark once in a while. maybe once in a week. or a month.two months. just something to re-assure me that ur still there, that ur not a completely differnt person, that ur values are still intact, that we can still laugh at things we used to make fun of. just once in a while. just a lil something i can hold on to. nothing much, a comment maybe, or a gesture. n i can fool myself that nothings changed.