OF DEATH AND DIGRESSIONS

life heads steadily downhill..the same boring speed, sober god ever steady on the accelerator, im not even allowed the exhilaration of a bumpy ride..nothings changed and nothing will..not in that respect anyway..i wonder where itll all end though..where will i be when i finally crash and burn..? maybe ashes dont collect, they just flutter n flirt n float away..so in a way ill be all over the place at the end..wch is kinda ironic becoz all my life ive spent dying to get out of the one place i seem to be stuck in..

or maybe there will be no crashing or burning..maybe the end will be as predicatable as the journey..i'll just watch the fuel drain away, millilitre by agonizing millilitre becoz u dont burn litres when ur moving at a snails pace..till one fine day, the fuel guage is well past borderline red, theres nothing left to survive on..and the bloody vehicle will come to a geriatric halt, stuttering and gasping for breath, an end as boring as life itself, as inevitable as night and day..

how will it be though i wonder? what will the spark be? im counting on lung cancer, or something else cigarette-induced..liver sclerosis is another possibility, though i'll have to up my drinking curve a tad higher to get there before i hit 22..it'll be quite a loss if its nothing at all..if i just die of old age..go to sleep one day and nevr wake up..after twenty-one years of this shit, surley im entitled to an exciting death..? something that will make people go, 'how terrible! and at such a young age too'..

an exciting possibility would be a drunken accident..that would be quite awesome..ram car into something at some wrteched hour of the night(night definitely, theres something comically ridiculous about dying in daylight)..or maybe ill have a drunken brawl in a bar n somebdy will knock me out cold..with a beer bottle..no wait..i'll pick a fight wt a street thug and he'll stab me to death wt his favourite knife..that would b something for the mallu media.."MALAYALEE YOUTH KILLED IN DRUNKEN BRAWL" the papers will scream..i can just imagine the headlines..all my life nobodys given a shit but all of kerala will mourn for the death of another misguided youngster from the esteemed state..

i dont think i have the guts to kill myself..or maybe i just havnt been pushed hard enuff..hmm that would throw up some intereting possibilities..poison? veins chopped up like chop suey? sleeping pills? a gun would be really cool if i could get my hands on one..on an OD..how cool that would be..i could write down a note syaing im gonna kill myself..then keep taking ridiculous amounts of heroin..my babylove..n jot down wht im thinking every second, as long as my body lets me anywy..itd be like a written journal of the last hours..and a detailed description of the highest anyones ever got..years later pushers will use it as advertising material for good old smack..it could be cult literautre too..copyrighted by someone incongruos ..hell, maybe my dad could copyright it and get royalties on it or somthng evrytime it sells..itd be kinda cruel though hes nevr cared for money anwy..but i like the cult literature idea..all my life ive searched n searched for somebdy who gets wt im about..in death id find my kindred souls..itd be something circulated among hard-core users only..not that all junkies r alike or anything..hmm actually the way drugs r becoming a fucking fad, the ppl who'll end up reading it r probably stupid college kids 'experimenting' at a dumb party or somthng..thatd be a bitch but im sure itd find its way to the real people too..so in a way id live on, high after high..what will be pissing off though will be the 'responsible' parent groups who will consider it their duty to draw the inevitable comparisons and parallels with rockstars who killed themselves, and cliche the fuck out of me..even in death theyd want me to be part of a crowd..nevr leave me alone, these people..

howevr it may come, it cant possibly be soon enough..as for the right now, im heading lower n lower..going down down down..wheres my blaze of glory?